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( Audience applauding )
Hello, sexies ! It's bob and david !
What the hell !
( Audience whistling )
All right. All right.
Wow !
Whoo ! David, an audience !
That is the weirdest-- Are you guys lost ?
Y-You know, we're doing a sho--
This is great, 'cause we're doing a show here tonight.
Oh, man ! This is great !
Hey, you guys showed up. Oh, man, excellent.
Perfect !
I'll tell you what, this show that we're about to do
Is gonna blow your ass to high heaven.
( Audience laughing )
David, david, you know the rule.
Put a nickel in the swearing jar.
Oh, shoot.
Folks, we have a fun new rule , here at mr. Show.
Every time a cast member swears,
They have to put a nickel in the swearing jar.
The money goes to "swears for cares,"
A nonprofit organization
Committed to raising money through swearing.
So...
( Audience laughing )
So, hopefully, we'll make a little difference.
A little fucking difference.
( Audience clapping )
( Announcer ) bob and david.
Raising money as part of the mr. Show t.V. Ministry family group.
And now, it's time for "swear to god"
With the reverend winton dupree.
I have a question, and i know you all have it, too.
What is up satan's ass ?
All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dick-Licker.
( Audience laughing )
Now, the lord said,
"I am the light of the world."
Now, he could as easily have said,
"I am king shit of fuck mountain.
Why would you fuck with me ?"
It's true, it's true.
Praise the lord !
Now, i'll tell you what,
I'm the only preacher with the fuckin' balls...
You know this, you know-- You all know this--
To say, "satan, i damn thee !
"You goddamn, motherfuckin', shit-Eatin', cock-Sucking',
Son of a 'b'-- Can i get a fuckin' 'a' ?"
( Audience ) fuckin' "a" !
( Camera clicking )
Hey, buddy.
Hey, shamul.
So, shamul give good apartment, huh ? What do you think, huh ?
All yours, look !
Yeah, i--I can't wait to get unpacked.
My friend, come here.
Listen to me, my friend.
You do anything in this apartment you want.
Great !
You watch t.V. , you listen to music, i don't give shit.
You have friend over, you have party,
You fuck pussy in hallway, i don't care.
I don't give shit, don't want to do.
Don't think of me as landlord.
Think of me as neighbor.
If i make too much noise, you say,
"Shut up, shamul, stop it, you asshole !"
Ok.
Ok, buddy.
I let myself out back.
Ok, hey, thanks a lot, bye-Bye.
( Speaking gibberish )
Excuse, please.
Victor ?
What're you doing here ?
I come to speak--
Why you leave my apartment building ?
I told you, because the plumbing was bad.
Yes, plumbing is bad, victor fix, see, tools, tools.
No, no, but victor, you-- You don't fix.
Plus, the apartment was too hot.
The apartment is too hot, is victor now to fix the sun ?
I cannot get up there.
No, of course not, of course not. But victor...
I'm not moving back.
Shamul can't believe all his eyes.
Shamul, this is my old landlord, victor.
Please. I see now, what i hear is true.
Shamul sit in apartment,
Listen to voices with ear, i can't believe.
Shamul say, "ear, you try to trick shamul.
You are a dog's ear and i hit."
And i hit, i spit, and i hit.
No, shamul, please, don't.
I hit, i hit.
And then, shamul come and look, and, oh, baby, what you do to me ?
Me ?
Perhaps shamul think you move back to old apartment.
Ha ! Shamul !
He-- You come back !
My friend, i give you good apartment, and you say,
"Phooey ! I leave !"
Yes, he leave, i help.
You come !
No, no, no, victor, please don't.
Victor fix. Victor fix.
No, don't. Victor, victor.
I am not moving back.
Shamul give you two space.
It is over.
Yes,
It's over.
Ok, move your ass going, my friend.
I--I go, uh, i go.
Hey, buddy.
Buddy,
Someday, we looking back on all this
And we're laughing, eh ?
I know, i just feel bad because--
Shamul, what is this ?
Anwar, i explain.
My old apartment.
For 3 years, i rent apartment from you.
Only 2 days ago i move out, and already apartment filled ?
Please, anwar, i explain.
Whore, how you explain ?
Phooey, i spit on your explanation.
Phooey, i spit on your spit.
I piss on your spit.
I shit on your piss.
I fart on your shit.
I laugh at your fart.
( Audience laughing )
We are friends again.
( Laughing )
I spit on your spit.
I piss on your spit.
I shit on your piss.
I fart on your shit.
I laugh at your fart.
(Both) we're friends again.
Hey, i spit on your spit.
I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss.
I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart.
We are friends again.
Hey, i spit on your spit. I piss on your spit.
I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart.
We are friends again.
Hey, i spit on your spit. I piss on your spit.
I shit on your piss.
I spit on your spit. I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss.
I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart.
We are friends again.
Hey, i spit on your spit.
( Sighing )
Dylan, how are you ? How is apartment ?
Is air-Conditioning working ?
Good. Uh, yes and no, thank you.
I absolutely abhor the use of any conditioning devices.
It's a needless perversion of an already perfected system,
I.E., the fan.
Yes, but air-Conditioning was first thing
Victor's family get when we come to this country.
Ah, this country is the worst.
Bunch of moronic imbeciles
Running around with their shorts and their wristwatches.
Yes, but in america, you have, uh, everything.
You have, uh, television set,
And, uh, music you like, rock and roll.
Oh, oh, jupiter's thunder, oh !
Rock and roll is the most criminal of garbages.
It--It--It is a crutch, it is a crutch, it is a crutch.
It'll never sully my ears.
Oh, the relentless persecution i must endure.
Oh ! Ah !
The only pure pop group that ever existed
Was the fad 3.
( Record crackling )
( Narrator ) london, 1962.
A nation on the verge of a social renaissance,
And a bright public relations agent by the name of brian blemming
Spots 3 young men walking down the queens market road.
( Brian ) oh, yes, the way that they were so photogenic
Just turned me on my ear and kicked me in the crotch.
( Narrator ) individually, they were
Roy crosswing, val thompson, and neville larry smithson.
Together, they would become known as the fad 3.
( Guitar chord )
( Camera clicking )
That same day, brian took the ragtag group
Into abington studios for their first photo session.
(Brian) oh, yes, definitely, that first shoot
Was very exciting. The camera just loved them.
And their images really took to the film.
It stuck right on there, and i knew this was going to be a photo.
( Narrator ) the first photo was an instant worldwide hit.
( Girls screeching )
( Reporter ) why do you love the fad 3 so much ?
Because they're so cute.
And, yeah-- And they're new.
Frightfully new.
And frightfully cute.
( All giggling )
( Ambulance siren wailing )
( Reporter ) what--What do you think of the fad 3 ?
I don't understand today's youth. In my day, we viewed plenty of photos,
But that didn't mean we'd go around shouting me head off !
That's bloody shameful.
( Reporter ) were you surprised by the response to the photo ?
Yes, we were all shocked.
I even got scared.
( Reporter ) and how has this changed your lives ?
Well, we can't walk down the street without being mobbed by girls.
( Larry ) and all the screamin', it's terrible.
Yes, we all wish
He'd stop screamin'.
Can't help it, still scared, i'm afraid.
( Announcer ) albert hall, 1962, thursday,
And the boys make their first public appearance before a paying crowd.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here they are, the fad 3.
( Crowd screaming )
Next, the fad 3 were off to conquer the states.
Excuse, any questions ?
( Reporter #1 ) boys, how do you like america ?
Sunny side up.
But then, during the press conference,
Larry drops a bomb.
( Reporter #2 ) fellas, do you think your fame will grow ?
We've been photographed more than jesus christ.
Everyone agreed that this was true,
And the group was shocked at the lack of controversy it ignited.
After months of thinking and growing facial hair,
The boys regrouped
And put out their most experimental photo to date.
Entitled "overexposure,"
It became more widely known as "the blank photo."
Sales were poor,
And events such as larry's continuing car problems,
The rise of the beatles,
And an increase in the price of photo development,
Quickly killed the public's waning interest in the fad 3.
( Reporter ) what do you think of the beatles ?
They're a freak act.
The 3 of them have not spent much time together since larry's suicide in 1985.
Val now divides his time between aisle 6 of the norwich kwik mart
And the break room.
He has said he would be willing to do a reunion photo,
But only under any circumstances.
Roy has taken the high road,
Donating his name and ex-Celebrity status
To charities and political movements.
Today is the first public appearance
Of panzic pujiram,
A great man, a patriot.
He has been on a hunger strike for the freedom of his people.
For 23 days now,
He has had nothing but water.
His message is about freedom
And basic human rights.
Panzic !
If you will, right here, sir.
Thank you.
( Panting )
My people have been oppressed
And treated unjustly.
I pray to god everyday
For their deliverance, and...
For food.
I want the world to know
That i am so hungry,
I just--
I want--
I just want to say that...
I want to eat everything.
But i digress, i digress...
There are 2 things that would make me
Very happy.
One...
Would be
A lot of food.
Mmm, mmm.
I-- But-- But more
Importantly...
More importantly,
I...
Never
Want
To drink water again.
My people are dying.
Look at me.
I used to...
I used to hate
Water chestnuts.
Now, i would eat
100 buckets of them.
Everyday, people go into restaurants
And they--They take the condiments, and they
Take them and put them on the plate
And mix it up and put it in their glass,
And they dare their friends to drink it.
( Audience laughing )
They--They think it is funny.
Right now, i would drink it,
And i would thank them for it.
But, ok, enough of that, enough of that.
I want to say,
Why can't this government
Change the rules of what
Constitutes a hunger strike ?
I mean, who's to say what the fact really is ?
( Stammering )
Ok.
I'm sorry, i have gotten way off-Track here.
We were-- We were talking about food.
Ok.
If--If i die...
If i die, please tell my people
To bury me...
In mashed potatoes, please.
Little lum-- Lumpy kinds, with gravies,
And a gravy boat by the side, and ya--Ya, a little yam stew.
( Announcer ) panzic pujiram's hunger strike,
Sponsored by stenson's condiments.
With over 1000 food products,
There's over 1000 reasons not to go hungry !
Stenson's. Mmm, that's delicious.
There's got to be a better way.
( Announcer ) hey, moms,
Have you had it with the same old sandwich-Making routine ?
Then try new stenson's mayostard.
Mayostard combines mayonnaise and mustard into one easy serving jar.
See the yellow lines and the white lines ?
That means mayostard is working to save you time.
It cuts sandwich-Making time in half.
And mayostard works with every type of bread,
From white to wheat.
How are the sandwiches, kids ?
Delicious.
Mmm, mom, you used separate jars of mustard and mayonnaise.
Stenson's mayostard,
Costs a little more, but saves a lot of time.
( Man ) drudgery,
Are you a 2-Jar slave ?
Well, thanks to vaunnies,
You don't have to take it anymore.
( Gun firing )
Now, there is new vaunnies mustardayonnaise.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Mustardayonnaise combines the spicy goodness of mustard
With the creamy richness of mayonnaise
To set you free from
The 2-Jar grind.
Vaunnies mustardayonnaise:
It'll save you time and set you free.
And now, with every purchase of vaunnies mustardayonnaise,
Vaunnies will donate 20 cents to the dr. X save-The-Earth telethon.
It is horribly debilitating. It threatens everyone,
Young, old, rich, poor. Please help.
We must do everything we can to fight this horrible killer,
Dr. X's doomsday laser.
( Narrator ) the doomsday laser can destroy our entire planet
At the touch of a button.
It was launched into orbit in 1982
By dr. X, an evil madman.
If the people of the earth
Will pay me 30 million dollars, once a year,
I will be so kind as to not disintegrate them.
Now, every labor day,
Dr. X hosts a weekend-Long, worldwide telethon
To raise the ransom money.
Why do i do this ?
Why do i stay up all weekend making this appeal ?
I could blow up the earth right now.
I do it for the people.
Maybe my heart is too big.
If that's a crime, then i am guilty.
Now, once again, here's dr. X.
( Audience applauding )
Thank you, abby.
And we are back.
Are you having a good time ?
Yes, we're having a good--
Let's say hello to some of the people out here.
Who have we got ? What's your name ?
My name's nick.
Nick, hello, very nice to meet you,
And nick, are you from britain ?
No, i'm not.
Well, that's one of the countries that will be destroyed
If i choose to press the button.
Now, what's your name, mr. Red hair ?
Rene.
Yes, rene.
Good, now, that's a french sounding name.
French, another land that will be gone,
Be no more, if i choose to destroy it.
But this is why we're here.
So, i am wiped out,
I've been up for 20 hours,
But i'm doing it for you.
( Audience clapping )
Some of you have the right idea.
All right, very good. Now...
I want you to hear what a poster child,
Paul keeters, said to me
During the commercial break.
It's so precious.
Paul, will you tell everybody
What you said to me ?
Please don't kill me.
Aw !
You see, this is why i do this, for the kids.
Now, we have 4 million dollars left to get.
We have very little time.
So, please, make that call.
Make-- What the heck ?
( Grunting )
Hey, what's going on ?
( Man ) stay in the frame, you schmuck.
It's johnny ! Get that shot of him.
How did this happen ?
I'm really breaking union rules here.
( Grunting )
Johnny kefalaki.
Hey, get out of the way, maestro, i'm taking over.
Ok, let's have a sword fight here.
( Dr. X laughing )
Get over here, let me take that out.
( Screaming )
It says that you're very sick in the head.
Let me be serious. This man...
This man is the funniest of all living human beings.
( Stuttering )
No.
Uh, no, i'm serious, if i can get serious.
Folks, this is a great, great, evil madman, i mean that.
He's wonderful.
Let's go now to chicago and check in with our host there.
Ronnie schmerling, the singing duke of beepers.
Ronnie, open up in there.
* good old summer time
( Beeping )
Hi, dr x. Hi, johnny.
Hello, ronnie, how are ya ?
Oh, great !
Everybody here in the windy city
Really wants to stay alive
And they're showing it, right, gang ?
All right.
We were entertained all day by this guy,
Chicago favorite,
King of the put-Downs, dick randell. Dick !
Hey, shut up, tubby, no one ever liked you.
All right, dick, you are wonderful.
Hey, hey, you think your laser's scary,
Let me tell you what's frightening:
That honey-Dew melon you call a head.
I mean, honestly, the sun hits that thing, kapow ! We're all fried.
All right, my friend, i--I--I cannot help it
That i am bald, all right ?
I got the jew in the back going, "yeah, yeah, yeah."
I got a black guy going "what, what did i do ? What, what ?"
I got a chinese guy going,
"We got no soup, so sorry."
I cannot stand racial intolerance.
You have gone too far , and now, you two must pay.
I got a polack with a ding-Dong and a canadian with a ring rod.
Dr. X, no !
( Rumbling )
I've blown up chicago,
And now, i will blow up the world.
Some end of the world music for me, abby, please.
( Music playing )
( Beeping )
Dr. X, please, give us time.
No, johnny, it is too late.
That is all.
( Beeping )
When this hits zero,
( Female voice ) t minus 60 seconds.
The earth will be no more.
I'll miss many of you fools, and your foolishness.
Especially this one over here.
( Laughing )
Auf wiedersehen.
43 seconds to explosion-Ation.
Hey, hey there.
Hey, stop !
Dr. X, stop the-- Stop the...
Stop the hee-- Stop the hoo !
Stop the countdown ?
The countdown ? Oh, get to it.
Dr. X.
There you go !
We, uh, have a last minute contribution from a bob-- Hup-- And david--
( Squawking )
From the television show, mr. Show.
Mr. Show, very well, where are they ? I would like to say hi to them.
Hello, bob. Hello, david.
What have you got for me ?
Dr. X, on behalf of mr. Show with bob and david,
And all the mr. Shows with bob and davids around the world,
We're proud to be a part of a telethon once again.
This year, we have raised money
By having swearing jars.
Over the course of tonight's show alone, we've raised
$3,999,999.95
That's really wonderful.
( Screaming )
Watch your back there.
Well, that is wonderful,
But you're still a nickel short,
So, i'm sorry, you're all up shit's creek.
Ah, ah !
That's the "s"-Word !
Still on the show, pay a nickel, buddy !
You got me.
Hey, we did it.
( Audience applauding )
( Dr. X ) hurray !
Whoo ! All right !
Whoo ! Good work ! Well,
We will wrap it up the way we always do,
With our special song.
Maestro, if you please.
( Music playing )
* when there's danger from above *
* don't be a fool
* share your love
* for your doctor will gladly take your hand *
* do not be scared
* for i will be there
* to deactivate the laser beam *
* the laser beam
* of love
* the laser beam
* of love *
Good night, everyone.
Good night.
( Audience clapping )
Daddy, come out and play with me.
Not now, dear, daddy's busy.
* sometimes, i think
* i spread my life too thin
Hey, daddy, you coming to my graduation ?
* and i miss precious moments *
* as this ol' earth does spin *
Daddy, you want to see your new grandson ?
In a minute, dear, in a minute.
* you grew up, you moved on *
* i was never by your side *
Bye daddy, i'm dying.
* seems i'm always spreading *
* mayostard , mustardayonnaise *
* and time *
( Man ) mundees mustmayostardayonnaise
Combines mayostard and mustardayonnaise
In one easy-To-Use, time-Saving spread.
( Audience applauding )
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